omg......... how can this be true.
i hate it.
abahhhhhhhhh
despite obeying everything..
and the slightest thing i kenna the biggest thing.
omg..
$100!!!!! where i get the money.
stupid eh really. Fucked up.
and anyway.. i realised its november.
everything bad happens in november.
i think its this month.
haha.. even friday 13th also in nov.
tsk.
i shall deem that nov is a bad month.
hates november.
nothing will change my mind for now.

grrr...
i feel i have so little time for myself..
and yet i spend so much time on others.
seriously joan.. what for?
and anyway, not many will appreciate.
so what for?
and why care.
waste time only.

and and..
i love to pamper myself.
but why am i always thinking of getting for this person this and that?
i should be getting things for myself?!!!
omg. whats wrong with you joan..

and now i have to spend this $100 on nothing.
great job.
bah.

i miss my baby boy!!!
Grrr... come back to me!! :P

last night had the most delicious prawn noodles..
its home cooked by mummy and daddy!
but i am now suffering the whole rashes ever..

after eating the prawn noodles.. i felt my throat abit... tight and like something stucked inside.. the feeling is like sore throat, but not painful, just feels lumpy inside..
and after sometime, i feel very very tired.. and my lips starts to feel funny.
and when i looked into the mirror, my lips were alittle swollen, at the right side.. both upper and lower lips.
omg.. its like.. if the whole lips were gonna swell up, its gonna be like those sausage lips that we often see in the tv, that is so "kua zhang". but when i see it happening to me, i was like.. "omg its real".
feeling very tired, i went to sleep.
I woke up, feeling very hot. (HOT AS IN WARM)
then felt itch all over.. and i knew. its rashes.
OMG LA! its like the very bad ones.. red red and swollen swollen.. lumpy lumpy all over my skin. argh..
I went to take a shower and then was preparing to go school.. but the rashes is making me too tired.. so i gave up.. i went to see doctor.. the clinic that i frequent was closed. so i went to another one.. the doctor gave me 3 types of medicine.. "itch, allergy and rahses". grr...
and now i am in school... but didnt want to go into class cos i was late.. so i am waiting for the break.. so i can go in. haha..
bleah.
i shall quit prawn :(

yays.. did sth that i really wanted to do for very very long. hahas...
and kinda like it.
oh well.. i shall not say anything now..
cos its a surprise for dar.
haha..

There are many things that we don't like but we kept quiet.
We didnt want to sound out, simply because dont wanna embarrass the people who are doing it.
we didnt want to hurt them.
but somehow.. sometimes.. things may go beyond control and it may affect the relationship..
so..
sometimes if you dont like.. just sound out. dont keep quiet.. if not no one will know how you feel..

i dont like..
come on.
if u have anything to ask me, ask. i will answer.
dont have to keep guessing and ask around.
one thing I dont like is people gossipping.
i dont like to gossip.
so normally when ppl starts to gossip, i walk away.
i feel that there is no need for gossipping. you are just indirectly hurting that person, and also.. tarnishing the image of that person.
and sometimes these gossips may get outa hand and may affect that person's life.
do u want that to happen?
or rather, do u want that to happen to you?
I was a victim, and I know how it feels, and until today, i still can feel how i felt at that point of time.
it felt horrible.
terrible.
hurt..
and like blah.
the healing time was long and tedious.
because it affected my life, slightly.
but thankfully i have good friends that helped me along the way.. i was able to stand up for myself again.

gossipping.. and back-stabbing.. these 2 things are very closely related, and u may not know how ur gossips will lead to back stabbing.
so dont start gossip.
do what u are supposed to do, ie. studying, working etc..

but really.. i dont like it.

finally its over.

it feels good to know that you've helped someone...
really.. especially when you see the smile on their face and the relieve in the tone that they are speaking, like "ahh.. thank you so much for your help!" *grins*
unknowingly, i have helped alot of people.. and somehow kinda addicted to it.. its like as if i can help the whole world..
since young, i'm addicted to volunteering myself.. like.. community service..
I've been to Famine camp twice.. starve myself for 30 hours ( in hope that we can save more food.. erm.. ok, thats not the point) to understand how the people in the poverty-stricken country feel.. we also folded paper crane so that we can raise many many bowls of rice.. and collect newspaper to raise money...
I've also been to distribute cardholder to promote "anti-abuse" campaign.. so help those people who are suffering abuse from their own family members.. (i dunno how it would help them.. but anyway, i distribute card holder, with helpline numbers for them to call..)
other than the community.. i also help my own friends..
in terms of studies, and other small small favours that they need help in.. i will always try my best to help them..

looking back.. i realised that I had spent too much time in helping other people, and somehow I had forgotten to.. help myself..
as in.. I forgot the existence of "pampering" myself with the time I have to do things I like to do (Other than helping others....)
I forgot what I can do during my free time..
sometimes I just get too tired and stare blank the whole time (thinking of ways to help people...)
I AM SERIOUS!
sometimes when I day dream.. I was thinking of different ways to help her.... ways to help him... blah blah blah.. and sometimes, randomly, I can think of solutions would randomly call and talk about the problem and solutions.. sms here and there.. blah blah..

I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing..
and sometimes.. I think I am too "kay-po".. like wanna help here and there..
but.. when someone pour out their problems and I know about it.. I will try to help.. not that they need.. but.. i feel that problems needs solution and ta-dah.. JOAN.

I think I am going crazy..
I need a break.
A Time off.
Time that is solely for me.
Everything I do, is for myself.
Time that I want to be selfish..
Time to... not care about others so much..
Time that I can do whatever I like to do...

I need that break.

joan is sick, again!
or probably she have not fully recover yet.
Horhor! Dardar!! U see!! U fed me with the Warm Chocolate cake, and I have sore throat now! =S
Blah! Feeling so heaty now..
I think.. estimate.. its 37degreeC. HahAHa!!
House.. ran outa panadol.. wrote a lil' note to daddy.... "daddy, ask mummy buy panadol (:".. HAhAHaHA!!! Let's see if I'll get my panadol tmr. :P
Its so fun to write lil note to my parents. HehEHehe!!

Just had mask.. now going to slp.
Stop breakout.
I'm trying to slp early already!

Blah!

Sch's fun today..
Drove at a constant speed of 100km/h to sch, because I was kinda late.
HahaHaha!! Phew. I'm still in one piece! (:
Skipped AC class.. but after reading the notes, I understand.. so its kenna relief..
Advance stats is fun today.. because I finally unerstand what is he talking about..
maybe thats the beauty of sitting alone in class. :P
I should sit alone more often next time.. At least I can concentrate better, and he lecturer seems to like to go to people who sit alone. (: HaHahaHa! I'm not Emo.. Just that I dont like other people to affect me.
I like to listen, then colour and draw and scribble in my book.. thats why all my lecture notes are so colourful. and thats why I have so many colour pens in my pencil BAG. HahAha!! Its so fun.
And I think I made alot of NOISE in class.. because I'm like constantly changing the pens and markers colour.. hahaha!! you know.. I kinda like "throw" the pen down onto the table and pick up another colour and start colouring..
Hohohohoho..
Dearest classmate, I am not crazy.. Just wanna stay awake.. and beautify the boring notes. ZZzz..

Now my concern is my Game Theory.
Tho I got it already.. but the earlier chapters are like "SHIT" in my head.
HahAha!! muddy muddy and dun make sense. Bahhh.. what am i talking about!

Bah!!

hahaHAhAHahA!

I need more rest!

nitey nite world..

It's Joan, to the RESCUE! (:

how stupid can this little girl be?
dumb.
how can she study the wrong chapter for the test?
and she could still worry that she didnt study hard enough and afraid that she might fail..
and there you go! she fail this test definitely.
omg. so dumb!
cannot believe it.

and why didnt she do the tutorial earlier on?
then at least she can attempt the questions..

in life, such "unexpected" events happen..
well.. unexpected events should happen in rare cases (poisson distribution).. or rather..
the probability of happening is less than 0.05 (binomial distribution).
Bahahaha!!
but how come these unexpected, or rather unfortunate events kept happening around me?
its not because of my stupidity that causes my emoness to work again..
its thats just all these while, people around me have things happening to them, and sad to say that I dont have the ability to help.
it hurts, to see them in need of help, and theres nothing to offer.
and alot of times when they are feeling sad or down, I dont know what to say.
I am afraid of saying the wrong things and that might hurt them even further.. so all i do is just listen and think of the situation but I know that I am standing in the position where.. "Whatever I do is all redundent so might as well dont do anything.. what if i did sth and it worsen the whole incident?"
i dont even know what to say anymore..
all my thoughts are kept in the small head of mine and they just dont want to be convey into words.
or rather, I dont know how to phrase them.

Hais..
you know..
there is no right or wrong..
its just that sometimes, people just dont appreciate whatever you have done for them..
or they may think that you have motive for doing all these things..
i think that when someone is feeling terribly low, they just wanna blah it out, and whatever others say it may not affect their decision (if they have made one) because their mind is unable to function well.. thats y sometimes they dont seem to listen to you. its not that they dont want to listen to you.. its just that when you are talking, their mind wander off to some other place that whatever you say may have a different meaning to them.

I think.. people are selfish..
or rather, Joan is selfish too.
whenever she is sad, or alone.. she will call and pester her friends.
and someone once told her that "arent you making use of ur frens?"
and i try to look around me, and realised that, everyone is making use of everyone..
isnt that so? =/

joan is once again confused, and wandered off in her own world...